PATHOLOGICAL DEMAND AVOIDANCE - PDA

This page was made to give an overall introduction to the term Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA). It was made on the basis of a long-standing collaboration between Grith Tschorn, Gifted Institute, and Tina Harlow, Guiding Bright.

Through their work with gifted children, Grith and Tina have mapped the characteristics of the PDA-profile and on the basis of these developed this report in order to help families and professionals in their approach to children and adolescents with demand avoidance behavior.

Often PDA is described as a phenomenon within the autism spectrum, though in our experience, it can also occur in gifted people, and they are not mutually exclusive.

With some children it can be difficult to unravel what the underlying cause is. In our experience, most of the tips and tricks related to handling a child with PDA that will be mentioned here work equally well, no matter what the underlying cause may be.

The primary characteristic of typical PDA behavior is a daily pattern of resistance towards demands and expectations. We therefore use the word demand avoidance about PDA-like behavior. The pattern of resistance emerges because the gifted child has an unwavering desire for self-preservation and autonomy, under which there is a strong desire to be autonomous in regards to their freedom and moral independence.

The child is rarely enthused about social conformity and the social norms that others expect to be upheld. This is simply due to some gifted children not understanding why these norms exist, and them not making sense to the child.

The child experiences the world/other people as invading, and feels that their surroundings invade their private sphere, their freedom, needs, and interests.

CHARACTERISTICA CORRELATED WITH PDA

Children with demand-avoiding behavior:

Struggle with all types of demands.
Often say: “I’m bored”. Their brains simply get bored faster.
Can be especially anxious.
Often prefer interacting with adults and thrive better like this.
Often likes playing pretend and roleplaying games and typically relate better to fiction than reality.
Can sometimes experience long-time obsession with a single fictional character.
Often understand the fictional world better than the real one. This is due to them finding people unpredictable and inconsistent.
Often experience that their frustrations and overstimulations can result in meltdowns, and that they therefore are often misunderstood at schools and daycare institutions. These misunderstandings can occur because the child’s resistance towards authorities leads towards the creation of more and more demands. Many therefore end up being homeschooled.
Thrive most when getting to be autonomous and choosing their own path. This can for example mean that the child is allowed to study and immerse themselves in what they want to.
Steadfast in the belief that they were put into this world to be themselves.
Benefit from being surrounded by calm people. If anyone around them are angry, frustrated, or talks in an anxious tone of voice, the child will not feel safe and will fight against what makes them uncomfortable.
Thrive experiencing new things and having many chances to feel intrigued and challenged.
Need many opportunities to immerse themselves in their interests.
Have a need to do what fits into their own agenda to thrive and are in no way concerned with the needs of their surroundings. They often suffer because of this, as it is quickly perceived as egoistical and deviant by other people.
Are often exceptional at navigating in computer games. Games on the computer, iPad, and the like often have a well-defined set of rules with few surprises involved. They might not know everything that is going to happen, but the rules are pre-defined. The child knows how to play and often takes up the role of a character and makes choices based on that role. In other words: There is more freedom to be found in the online world than the real world, and that is why they are often drawn to the computer.

TIPS AND TRICKS - HOW TO BEST TACKLE EVERYDAY LIFE?

When you have a child with demand-avoiding behavior it is important to remember to:

Do what works for your child and family instead of doing what social norms dictate, or what other people expect.
Know there are many recommendations in regards to screen time. A child with PDA usually thrives better in the virtual world than in the real world, which means you have to make rules that work for both you and your child so everyone can be happy.
Remember you have a child with a pervasive feeling of autonomy. The parents’ role should therefore be as authentic as possible.
That the most important thing in regard to the above point is that the adults have to decide beforehand what is up for negotiation and afterwards be unyielding. One important thing is for example friendliness and respect (Both self-respect and respecting others). The children do not want us to be intrusive towards them, but they also have to learn not to intrude on us or other people.

TIPS AND TRICKS - WHAT TO AVOID?

Consider your code of conduct and the tone of your voice. The way we talk has an enormous impact on this type of child.
When you are worried, it can be interpreted as anger because of the tone of your voice.
Be aware of your body language and if you have your hands on your hips or are pointing. Anything that might look like a demand-situation will be interpreted as a demand-situation and therefore be resisted.
Avoid using words such as:
I need you to
You have to
You need to
Now
Stop
Stop doing that
Give me
Do this
Hurry up

TIPS AND TRICKS - WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

Respect the child’s boundaries: Knock on the door, ask for permission to enter, and show that you understand their privacy. This is of course important when interacting with any child, but especially important in regard to a demand-avoiding child.
Clearly show the child that you have boundaries as well. Teach the child that your boundaries should also be respected and decide with yourself what is never up for negotiation. Consider what is an absolute need and what you and other people can live with. The most important part is to teach them to not invade others’ privacy as they do not wish their own privacy to be invaded.
Give the child a chance for autonomy, wherever that might be possible, and focus on the primary goal of making sure they are good, honest people.
Speak as little as possible. Too much talk can feel stifling in their eyes. To the child it will feel as if the parents have a clear desire to constantly correct their behaviors, and they do not care for that. Limit the controlling teaching situations and carefully choose when to teach them a lesson.
Be creative when communicating and try to be fun and inventive in the way you use your language.
Indirect speech often works as a good catalyst without it feeling like a demand is being made. A great way to use it could be, for example, to speak aloud to oneself: “I wonder if you could do it like this”, “if only I knew what we could do this afternoon”.
Sometimes it helps if you say: “I don’t know if you can do that” or “I need some help”, “can you help me with this?”. Children like to feel needed.
Speak aloud to yourself, when you want responsiveness. Use examples from your own daily life, especially things that you struggle with yourself. It is often disarming and gives the child a chance to extend a helping hand.
Sometimes use this sentence when talking to the child “I want to, but my brain won’t let me do it at the moment” (because that is actually how they feel).
Often the child wants to participate, but also feel that if they do, it will go against their own wishes, autonomy, and authenticity.

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE?

For many years, Gifted Institute has developed tools and conversation techniques that we use when uncovering the cognitive profile and wellbeing of children and adolescents with a demand-avoiding profile.